Evidence Forging 101

Let's get some Black Friday shopping done at the Bradford Exchange!

2009-11-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

(yeah, yeah, no posts for a while who cares)

As we all know, tomorrow is Black Friday. And the best way to get shopping done is to shop online! And what better place to shop online than The Bradford Exchange! Here's some great gift ideas!

Thomas Kinkade's Winter Memories shirt
Do you like Thomas Kinkade? Do you like being a tacky piece of shit? Well, now you can combine both your horrible tastes of art and clothing into one!

Gone With the Wind-Inspired Red Purse: Scandalous In Red
For the Blanche Devereaux in all of us.

President Barack Obama Commemorative Wallet
The only people I know that would shop at The Bradford Exchange are the most conservative of conservatives.

Souls of the Wild Fairy and Wolves Figurine
The same people that think this little hussy is showing too much leg. >: (

Thomas Kinkade Emily's Stroll In Inspiration Garden Victorian Figurine
Okay, I hate Thomas Kinkade with every fiber of my being, but that's a cute figure.

With You Always Porcelain Jesus Christ Figurine
That Jesus is missing some wolves, an eagle, and the American flag in his wings there.

Leader of the Pack Motorcycle Figure
I wouldn't be surprised if Dwight Schrute has this in his living room.

Native American-Inspired Dreamcatcher: Dreams of the Sacred Elements
I have to wonder if there are any Native Americans out there who hate the way their culture is being marketed to whitebread midwesterners.

Perilous Quest Collectible Dragon Axe
How metal!

Elvis Presley Merry Christmas Flag
This makes as much sense as Star Trek ornaments at the Hallmark store.

Tail Waggin' Time Pomeranian Animated Dog Wall Clock
That little dog is watching you. Every single thing you do. It's watching. Waiting. Waiting until the day that it can maul you to death and steal all the food from your kitchen.

And finally:

General Robert E. Lee Sculpture
Nothing like a sculpture to idolize the losing side of the Civil War.

Have a happy Black Friday, everyone!

What's this Thanksgiving bullshit I keep hearing about?

My Love-Hate Relationship with TV Tropes

2009-07-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes, TV Tropes, the heaven of nerds.

I've contributed a few times (guess who put all that text in the ELO article B]), but I'd rather not associate myself with 99% of the "tropers". Here are some reasons of why TV Tropes reminds me of my high school anime club.

1) Every forum topic derails into discussions of retarded shit or creepy fetishes.
This post says it all.

2) Troper Tales, where to begin.
Jesus. Christ.
Troper Tales is single-handedly the worst aspect of the site.

Some quoted examples:

2 GB pics, 105 GB vids, but that's just because more couldn't fit on This troper's FIRST external hard drive (the other one is for MP 3's). I also have a box full of CD-ROMS's and DVD's, and that's after I threw some of it away; and still I hunt free porn sites and p2p-programs for more...

From the Porn Stash entry. I have no problem with porn (as long as it isn't sexist and degrading), but why the fuck to people feel the need to brag about how much shitty porn they have? Who the fuck cares?

This troper has a black trenchcoat, and he finds something primally satisfying about walking into the wind, hands in pockets, trenchcoat billowing around him, and his hair blowing back. However, people tend to move slightly away from him when he does it, and his girlfriend keeps telling him that he looks "sketchy."
BAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAAA. That's not a good thing, you moron. Being weird and creepy is the exact opposite of badass. That goes for quite a few of you guys.

From Badass Longcoat. The first dude reminds me of my goffick ex-boyfriend. The second gives me hope for the sane tropers out there.

This troper has, like many of the other tropers who posted before me, that peculiar combination of genius-level IQ and Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny. 4.0 GPA throughout high school, 1600 out of 1600 on the SAT. And yet... let me tell you a little story. I sang in the men's choir at my college, and this particular choir has an award called the "Bonehead Award". While many of the Bonehead Award nomination stories are... embellished for the sake of good storytelling, let us say... there remains a fundamental reason why anyone gets a Bonehead Award nomination. Did I get nominated often? Yes. Did I win the award often? Yes. But there's more. It has now been over eight years since this troper graduated from college and left the choir. But the choir's Bonehead Award now has a new name. It is now the ________ Memorial Bonehead Award, and that name has remained to this day. That's right, I've had an award for boneheadedness actually named after me. :-) (And I think I just gave enough information for anyone else from that college to identify me. If you just read this and know who I am, contact me at (myrealfirstname.myreallastname@gmail.com) — I'd be interested to know of other tropers who went to my college).

Well, la-di-da, aren't you fucking special?

I aced five thousand college courses back in sixth grade and have an IQ of 237, yet I lost my wallet last week! You fucking morons, stop making shit up. Go study for a bit and keep your stuff on a keyring. Dear god, this page makes me angry.

...I love you, troper.
Both were from Genius Ditz.

Anyone else find the fact that Something Awful, the armpit of the internet to 4chan's anus, were looking down on us? I dunno, scrubbin' stuff like this just seems odd to me, but I have no control here.

WAAAAAHHHHHHH Something Awful thinks I'm weird for talking about having sex with my sister WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
(from Brother Sister Incest Discussion)
Actually, the amount of people who are angry about not sharing their incest tales is...staggering, to say the least.

So, I suppose that partly sums up why I have a love-hate thing with TV Tropes going on. I wish those tropers would stop being so pretentious, honestly.

Franziska at 2 AM Reviews

2009-05-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

So, this past week, I was put on Zoloft. And man, did it mess with my sleep patterns. Now I fall asleep at 9PM and wake up in the early hours in the morning. Not to mention it takes a lot of effort to fall back asleep.

As I type this, I fell asleep during TCM's screening of Diamonds Are Forever, one of my favorite Bond movies. Luckily, I woke up shortly before TCM's Underground block started and, since I won't be able to sleep again until, like, 10, I'll just review some movies.

So, the first movie is Blood Freak. Basically, it's the story of an unChristian man who does drugs and turns into a mutant turkey. Luckily, it's all a dream and he gives up drugs for Jesus.

Right now, our hero is at a party, calling girls in neato dresses tramps and offending them. I mean, those skanks! Look at how they get high and fraternize with men! Gosh!
The movie's sound quality kind of sucks. It gets hard to hear some of the characters' dialog, especially when they talk in an indoor voice...and oh fuck! ROOFIES!

So, our hero talks about adultery with a lingerie-clad lady. They have a heartfelt conversation about Jesus and how he wants us to love each other, but not in an icky-flesh-to-flesh-way. I mean, us ladies, we're so tempting, leading those men astray.

Our hero is now cornered by another lady, who doesn't like him talking to Lingerie Christian. The two ladies get into a fight about converting the hero to Christianity. Miss Athiest stomps off and complains to a man with a porn-stache. He instantly comforts her with pot and acts like a creep.

Then, we get a message from the wood panel guy, who smokes cigarettes like they're going to be extinct tomorrow. I never have any damn clue what he's talking about. Maybe that cigarette is really joint? No, no, that would be hypocritical. And Christians are never hypocritical.

So, we jump back to our hero, who is now talking to Miss Chrisitan's preacher. The preacher offers our "husky" hero a job at his poultry ranch and he accepts.
I'd like to say now, this movie is BORING so far.

Now, our hero is busy with pool shit and here comes Miss Atheist in a skimpy bikini. She flirts with the hero, but he doesn't seem to care much. This man's only lover is Jesus.
Miss Atheist digs through a band-aid tin and lights a joint. She offers one to the hero, but he refuses. This pisses her off and she calls him a coward. He denys this and takes a drag.
OUR HERO IS NOW DHAAAK-SIDED. Pretty soon, he'll be doing palm readings and going on reality shows and making years-old reality show references!

Hero man smokes pot and gets high to some gentle easy-listening tunes. He and Miss Atheist start laughing hysterically and then head inside for some unchaste sex. They start making out on her very 70s bed, under her very 70s sheets. Sex is happening! Oh shit, they aren't married! Someone didn't have a purity ball! OH GOD THEY'RE BEING SINFUL!!!!!!

Back comes Wood Panel God, rambling on about something or other. Hero Man uses the restroom after sex with Miss Atheist and we see some butt.

The next day, Hero Man goes to work at the turkey farm. Now we're getting somewhere! We have some swinging rock music to draw in those hip youngsters and more sideburns than you can shake a stick at. Hero Man stares at the peaceful turkeys, pets them, and gobbles back. FORESHADOWING, YOU SAY!?

Honestly, I hate turkey. I hate the smell of cooking turkey even more.

Reverend Boring introduces Hero Man to his coworkers and is informed he'll be doing hard labor. It turns out they're going to test chemicals and they need a human test subject to eat turkey meat to prove there's no side effects. The coworkers tell him he should do it, since he's done drugs anyway. :v

Hero Man accepts and they tell him to bring his appetite tomorrow. In the meantime, Hero Man collects turkey eggs, grabs tuekys for the slaughter, and other general turkey farm crap. And boy, is he tired! He wants DRUGS. NOW.

He returns home and gets restless. Miss Atheist comes in and I finally learn Hero Man's name is Herschell. Hersh goes crazy without his pot and Miss Atheist calls Guy, the porn-stache drug dealer. She stuggles to give Hersh a joint while Guy watches from the doorway. Hersh is loving his pot. Yessssss, precious pot.

Hersh finally calms down and tells Guy he thinks he's hooked. Guy is all "OMG MAN IT'S OKAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS JOINT". Hersh gets pissed off and tells Guy to keep him supplied with pot OR ELSE.

The next day, Hersh goes to work to eat tainted turkey. It's wrapped in tin foil and probably smells awful. Hersh puts his face dangerously close to the turkey, then digs in. I guess it's delicious, but I wouldn't know. I fucking hate turkey.

We're now treated to a montage of Hersh eating turkey while the live turkeys look on. He eats the whole damn thing and must feel like a fat loser right now. Hersh starts to feel weird, actually. He stumbles around and acts like a drunkard. He then passes out on the ground. Then, suddenly, he starts convulsing and turning into a MUTANT FUCKING TURKEY.

Reverend Boring wanders around for a bit, looking at a file of important shit. Hersh convulses some more and Rev. Boring finds him. I guess Hersh dies, because Rev. Boring freaks out at the employees for dumping the bodies.

Meanwhile, Miss Atheist and Guy wonder where Hersh is and smoke pot. The employees wonder how the fuck they're going to get out of this and the acting is stiff as Hersh's body.

Well, not quite. Hersh is still convulsing and turns into the MUTANT FUCKING TURKEY. He wanders around, with nothing more than time on his hands. Well, he goes back to Miss Atheist's house and freaks her out. Hersh writes a note, explaining his problem. So, Miss Atheist has some pot with mutant Hersh and they discuss his new deformities. She starts calling him ugly and talks about nothing. She ends up breaking up with him because he's a turkey now.

Miss Atheist ends up crying on the phone to someone since Hersh left. And in comes Wood Panel God. Miss Atheist and her pal freak out over mutant Hersh. Wood Panel God tells us to pray to Jesus.

Miss Atheist starts showing off mutant Hersh to her hippy friends. Turkey Hersh goes out into the wild and looks silly. Off to the turkey farm he goes, I suppose to get his revenge. He finds his coworkers and a lady having premarital sex in the main building. Then he freaks out a lady.

Meanwhile, Miss Atheist and her hippy friends get high again. One is sporting a unibrow and a porn-stache. Hersh starts killing people because he can't get any drugs. Note by people, I mean teenage girls. He strings one up on a ladder and slits her throat. Red paint comes out. Hersh then drinks the paint. And a fat chick keeps screaming and screaming and screaming.

Yet more high hijinx from Miss Atheist. Turkey Hersh finds a couple doing heroin and kills them. More paint, more screaming. Note that the screaming sounds exactly the same as the last time. Hersh kills Rev. Boring and chunky coworker vows revenge. He tries to kill Hersh, but is stabbed for his efforts. More screaming stock sounds.

Miss Atheist is still worried about Hersh and Guy acts like a skeeze. Some dude with a weird-shaped head makes coke and gets a call from Guy. The acting is still stiff. Miss Atheist goes to sleep and Hersh starts targeting Coke Man. Turns out Guy is selling Miss Atheist into prostitution without her knowing. Hersh is, well, pissed. No macking on the turkey-man's woman.

Coke Man assaults Miss Atheist when she starts screaming and he gets a facefull of Hersh. He rushes out of the house and casually walks along a dark alley at night, looking for help. He manages to find an open garage, but is still pretty spooked. Hersh looks for Coke Man, gobbling all the way.
I will admit, maybe being chased by a mutant turkey man in the middle of the night is pretty scary. But, well, this film ain't.

Coke Man is strangled and Hersh uses a power saw to cut him to bits. Que more stock screaming. GOD STOP SCREAMING YOU FUCK.

Finally, he does stop screaming and Hersh wanders around again. He starts stumbling around like a drunkard and runs into some hippies, who kill him. Then we're treated to shots of a headless turkey flopping around. Then people eat Hersh's dead body. Classy, Christians. Classy.

Luckily, it was all just a dream. Rev. Boring finds Hersh and he admits that he took painkillers in Vietnam. Rev. Boring tells the employees to keep their mouths shut and Hersh turns out okay. Meanwhile, Miss Christian recieves a call from Rev. Boring about what happened. She makes another call to Miss Atheist and tells her about Hersh. Miss Christian's name is revealed to be Angel (ironic!) and she chastises Miss Atheist for buying drugs. Miss Atheist then doesn't want to see Hersh, because she thinks that her pot is responsible for him passing out.

Rev. Boring tells Angel that Hersh was probably hallucinating and was in withdrawl. Hersh freaks out because he believes Miss Atheist doesn't love him. Angel manages to convert Hersh to Christianity and in comes Wood Panel God, rambling on about Jesus again. He says the story is based partially on fact (HAW!) and some mumbo jumbo about how drugs suck. Yeah, way to say injesting chemicals is wrong while you smoke a fucking cigarette, pal. And he fucking coughs for effect. I hope it's a parody.

So, Hersh meets Miss Atheist at the beach and their romance is rekindled. Yaaay.

What a fucking ridiculous movie.

Anyway, that's all for Franziska at 2AM. See you next sleepless night!

Franzie's Favorite Documentaries

2009-04-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

I like learning, let's leave it at that. :D

Fake Trade
A doc about the production and impact of counterfeit and knockoff versions of name-brand merchandise. My only problem is that the narrator kind of sounds like a shouting robot, but it's good nonetheless. Also, watch out for fake eggs.

Keith Allen Will Burn in Hell
British entertainer Keith Allen goes to visit the Westboro Baptist Church. Try not to get angry watching this. Highlight: Keith finds that they have a sign with Lily Allen, his daughter, on it.

The End of the World Cult
A little outdated, but still worth watching. The leader has since been convicted for sexual conduct with and contributing to the delinquency of minors. Basically, it's a cult that believed that the world would end on Halloween 2007. It gets very frustrating to watch.

Killing Us Softly 3
This was made in the mid-late 90s, but a lot of it is still very true today. Basically, it's a short presentation about how advertising is more demeaning to women than men and the harmful messages advertising gives. (This is actually the third installment of a series. The first two were made in the 70s and 80s. I have yet to find copies of them.)

Dear Zachary
(Since this has just been released on DVD and is playable on Netflix, I'm just posting the trailer.)
Our hero and narrator, Kurt, originally decided to make this movie for the son of his friend, Andrew Bagby. Andrew was murdered by his ex-girlfriend and the mother of Zachary, Susan Turner. Susan fled to Canada and Andrew's parents followed, wanting to see Susan brought back to the US to face a trial and to gain custody of Zachary. However, this proves to be much harder than expected, due to a combination of the Canadian legal system and Susan herself.
Some criticize the editing, but it's still a gut-wrenching story and I urge everyone to see it.

Jonestown: The Life and Death of the Peoples' Temple
For those who don't know: Jonestown was a town in South America set up by cult leader Jim Jones. After being found responsible for the murder of a US Senator, Jones forced the entire cult to commit suicide by drinking poisoned Flavor-Aid. The doc has interveiws with survivors of the mass suicide and is very heartbreaking.

Now for some Frontlines:

Sick Around America
A doc about how the US health care system financially ruins citiczens who can't afford insurance and why socialized health care should be the way to go. For the record, this is absolutely nothing like Sicko.

American Porn
How the porn industry works in the US and its business practices. My least favorite part: The female porn director who makes a rape-porn with her friend, who is the actress.

The New Asylums
How US prisons are now being used to house mentally ill criminals and why it's obviously not working.

The Plea
How plea bargains can screw over innocent people accused of crimes they didn't commit.

The Last Abortion Clinic
How Anti-Choicers are manipulating the government for their own gain and how their actions screw over women who need abortions. This one gets me quite angry.

And finally, one NOVA:

Judgement Day: Intelligent Design on Trial
I wasn't in PA when this happened, so, yeah. But, anyway, it's about how Christian fundies tried to force intelligent design on public schools in Dover in the early 2000s. Somebody got sued, everyone ended up in court. And intelligent design got its ass kicked. Absolutely fantastic.

In Which A Blog is Introduced

2009-04-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, hi.

Franzie's first post notwithstanding (not that I mind that she posted before I formally introduced us), this is the first post in our little blog about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The trials and tribulations of two teenage girls, as it were. Sort of. Or, you know, it might end up being about everything from the Rock of Love reunion show to Law and Order marathons to horrible baking catastrophes and the end of the world as we know it. Laugh with us, cry with us, and more importantly, bear with us.

Or buy us things.

Until next time!

The Case Against Skymall

2009-04-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of the first episode of Pitchmen, I feel it's my duty to point out some terrible products on everyone's favorite online store...Skymall. These products are why Skymall needs to be convicted of ridiculousness in the first degree.

Towel Origami: You know, because you need to impress anyone who goes into your bathroom with your towel-folding skills.

Blow Dryer Stand: It's like you're standing under one of those hand dryers in the mall bathroom.

Fire Fighter Trinket Box: Perfect for the annual Fireman's ball!

The Slanket: It needs no introduction.

Create-A-King Bed Doublers: This could be solved by just buying a king-sized bed.

Relax N' Nap Pillow: The woman in the picture looks like a murder victim.

Duck Bottoms Coat Rack: Just what I need! Duck poop on my jacket!

The Mind Relaxer: My magic sunglasses ease the pain (this is ridiculous-looking).

Conclusion: Skymall, just be glad you will never be the Bradford Exchange. That firefighter jewelry set is kinda tacky, though.

-Franzie